Timeline
(a.k.a - A chronological listing of events created by using February 13th as a Rosetta Stone and goes to prove the adage 'There's a thin [but pretty legal] line between rip off and homage')

In the Beginning...

June
Bernardo Leonardo buys the town from the Indians for $14.8 million.
  From date on check and dialogue in Clerks TAS - Episode I.

1947

March 1
Little Alan Willis Jeffrey is born in the wilds of Canada. He grows up to become a successful actor who is pegged to judge a costume contest in Leonardo, New Jersey.

1951

Leonardo Leonardo, Hap Osgood, "Ugly Janet" and Maximillian Stark are born on unknown dates during this year. 
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V - assuming they were 18 when they graduated in May of 1970.

1952

August 8
Dirty Dancing star and future Gerbils Gerbils Gerbils employee Patrick Swayze is born.

Dante Hicks, Randal Graves and Jon Sharp are born as well as future lesbians 'Dirty' Debbie Peters, Jeannie ???, Tracy Morgan and Jenny ???.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V - assuming they were 18 when they graduated in May of 1990.

September 28
Future RST Video customer Gwyneth Paltrow is born.
 

Jay is born.
  In Clerks TAS - Episode V, Jay's age is stated as being 26.

1977

April 6
Studio 54 opens. Leonardo Leonardo visits at least ONCE before its unofficial closing on February 4, 1980 and has his picture taken with Elton John and Ian Maxtone-Graham. Sometime after their attendance at the club, the trio go on a cruise together.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode III, commentary, script notes.

The class of 1980 takes an ill-fated trip aboard the space shuttle.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

Randal Graves urinates all over the bathroom floor at school.
  From Clerks  TAS - Episode IV.

Dante Hicks becomes the baseball team's manager during his freshman year.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

Dante loses his virginity to Caitlin Bree, an event captured on video tape by Randal Graves. 
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode II  - Conjecture. **

Dante Hicks becomes the baseball team's manager again.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V

Dante Hicks becomes the baseball team's manager for the third time.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

Dante Hicks becomes the baseball team's manager for the fourth year in a row. It is during this year the baseball team wins the championship and is named Best Baseball Team is New Jersey.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V and script notes.

Randal scares his date for the senior prom by saying, "The weeds of crime bare bitter fruit, you old hag!"
  From Clerks TAS - Episode II. **

May
Dante Hicks, Randal Graves, John Sharp, 'Dirty' Debbie Peters, Jeannie ???, Tracy Morgan and Jenny ??? graduate from Henry Hudson High School.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

1995

Two former girlfriends (Jeannie ??? and Tracy Morgan) of Randal Graves get married.
   From Clerks TAS -  Episode V. (Jeannie states she and Tracey got married five years ago.)

February 20
Dante is probably at work. 
  From Clerks TAS - Episode IV.

May 9
A film starring Billy Crystal and Robin Williams opens. Leonardo Leonardo later incorporates this high-caliber movie into his Maze of Death.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode I. (Assuming of course, the film is Fathers' Day)

1998

February
Dante has sex.
  Implied from dialog in Clerks TAS - Episode III. 

Dante and Randal lock themselves in a freezer at the Quick Stop and promise to never let it happen again.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode II and script notes. 

October
The Toms River Little League Baseball team is captured by the evil Professor Ram.
  Implied from dialog in Clerks TAS - Episode V. Actual dialog said "months ago", so I randomly chose the number six.

2000

Mid January  
Patrick Swayze moves next door to Randal and his mom.
  Implied from dialogue in Clerks TAS - Episode III. 

January 31
Day Leonardo Leonardo receives his unassembled desk (and orders the dome model if he really wasn't lying) during the course of the business day. 

Evening Randal spooks a cigarette customer by repeating the phrase "Is it safe?" over and over and over. Dante tries to assist, but it's ultimately Randal who causes the customer to run out of the store, cause a car wreck and catch fire while evidently en route to the hospital.
 From Clerks TAS - Episode I. 

February 1 
6AM Dante receives a phone call asking him to open the store. He arrives, opens the store, deals with a bunch of moronic customers and learns Jay and Silent Bob are selling M-80s to kids in the town. In a demonstration of the firework's power, Jay bats a lit M-80 off screen and it happens to land in front of spooked customer who has spent the night at the hospital.

9:30AM A video store customer arrives and discovers RST is closed. He goes into the Quick Stop and begins to loiter.

12:17PM Randall arrives and tells the customer his late tapes will incur a late fee. While walking back to RST, he is run over by hordes of people who have come to witness the return of Leonardo Leonardo. 

12:28PM  Leonardo Leonardo opens the convenience store of the future the Quicker Stop across the street from the Quick Stop 

12:30PM As Leonardo Leonardo has his interview with Access Hollywood, Dante and Randal take a tour of the Quicker Stop and find books, coffee, porn, children's books, coffee and mini porn. 
  From Clerks TAS - Episode I and script notes. The 'Six hours later..' placard causes a problem with the normal opening time of 8AM. For Randal to have arrived at 12:17, the events in the store would've had to occurred before 6:17. Hmm... maybe the boss KNEW about the competition and secretly convinced Dante to open earlier to get a head start? :)

February 4 
Mid-Afternoon Stores begin to close and Randal learns the Quick Stop and RST will be shut down as well. He comes up with a great plan called "Pay As You Exit." 

Jay announces he and Silent Bob will now be operating in front of the Quicker Stop.

Randal's next plan is to mark everything 75% He collects 19 cents from a little old lady for 37 cents worth of merchandise (Hey.. she had a coupon!) This purchase sends up a red flag to Leonardo who tries to buy the clerk's loyalty by offering them cushy jobs in his management trainee program.

Evening The pair decides to scale to Leonardo's office via the method used by Batman and Robin in the '60s TV show. (This bit becomes a running gag that occurs in at least two other episodes) Upon reaching the roof, they opt to take the Maze of Death route to Leonardo's office. 

At LEAST 98 minutes later Dante and Randal enter the office and discover Jay and Silent Bob all ready there. Dante finds Leonardo's point-by-point plan detailing the fates of the town and its citizens. 

Dante and Randal race to an emergency town meeting to reveal the evil plot only to have the wind taken out of their sales by Leonardo spilling the beans. 

Feeling dejected, Randal and Dante return to the Quick Stop and discover how to beat Leonardo by watching a classic episode of The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer. 

At Least 30 minutes later Their plan goes off without a hitch until realizing they forgot to blow up the superstore. Lucky for them, Jay and Silent Bob set off a set of M-80s which reduces the Quicker Stop to rubble.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode I, script notes and SDoDF runtime. I arrived at the time in the Maze of Death by working under the assumption the film in question was Fathers' Day 

February 5
Jay announces he and Silent Bob are returning to their old spots.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode I. 

February 9
Dante and Randal close the Quick Stop and leave it in a state of disaster. After they depart, the store is robbed.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode II. I wonder if this might be the Alti-Askewniverse equivalent to the food fight in the real Clerks?

February 10
Dante receives a call in the morning asking him to come in to work because of a robbery.

11:59AM  Randal arrives just as a locksmith is installing new locks, coincidentally, the locksmith's place was also broken into that night. While testing the new lock Randal and Dante lock themselves inside the freezer. 
  
About 6 hours later Jay and Silent Bob get locked in the freezer as well. 

Dante reveals Randal tried to order an Asian mail order bride, however to due to a mistake on the form Randal ends up with mail order husband. The marriage is doomed to failure. 

To help ease his friends pain Dante take his Randal to Las Vegas, where the two prove the adage of "Unlucky at love, lucky at cards" wrong. This forces the pair to consider become priests, but they end up mistakenly taking marriage vows.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode II. Some events don't have a guessable date, so they are just listed.

February 11 

3AM  Silent Bob manages to free the quartet from the freezer. Dante and Randal then promptly lock themselves in the video store, so the reminiscing continues. They not only recall all the celebrities they've met, but also the trips they've take including the two weeks in England, a trek to India, and of course the hospital burn ward.

They also chat about the times they've tried living together. Once they split their apartment in half with a white line forgetting that they had a third roommate. 

Another time was when Randal got them kicked off of The Real World. Randal tried to start his own show with the store security camera but few people watched it.

Eventually Dante's mom notices that he hasn't come home. She calls the cops who locate Dante and Randal locked in the store.

Evening Dante and Randal recall the incident to their friends after a roller hockey game.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode I!. Some events don't have a guessable date, so they are just listed.

February 13 

8AM Dante tries to get a jumpstart on work by sleeping at Quick Stop only to discover Randal has agreed to work in his place. As Dante leaves to take a shower, he tells Randal to make sure and bring in a delivery box containing burritos. 

Afternoon Hours pass and the burritos begin to "ripen" as Randal's Chia Pet grows. After Dante returns, the pair are visited by Jay and Silent Bob who mention there is a monkey for sale at the new pet store "Gerbils, Gerbils, Gerbils".

Randal's obsession with avoiding a recreation of the movie Outbreak leads to him and Dante visiting the store. Lo and behold, Patrick Swayze is working there.

After a brief chat with Leonardo Leonardo, Randal and Dante return to the store. Randal takes the burritos out to the garbage.

Leonardo gets bit by the monkey.

As Dante goes to the gas station to get a bandage, Randal encounters a big bee and decides to come back inside. Randal sells the "expensive" burritos to Leonardo for $100 bucks (who gulps one down) and rushes him out after discovering the monkey bite.

Randal calls the Center for Disease Control and reports an outbreak of the deadly Motaba Virus.

As the mayor and the police chief are on their way to different costume parties, the Army and CDC arrive and put a hermetic dome over Quick Stop and RST. 

During the speech by the mayor (who is trapped in a Mayor McCheese costume), Major Baklava enters Quick Stop and sets up his command center at the coffee machine. He orders blood test and takes Dante's sexual history as a preventative measure. A quite-ill Leonardo Leonardo enters on a stretcher begging Plug to make sure the public knows he died of Motaba and not "the other thing."

Despite their blood tests being normal, Baklava informs Dante and Randal they have 24 hours to live. Intent on living full lives, they *try* to grab a coupla burgers at Desmond Pfieffer's but their order is always wrong.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode III. An odd thing is that Chia pets take 3-4 DAYS to grow according http://www.chiapet.com/ . I can only assume that stench given off by "mutated" burritos had a Terrigen Mist-esque effect and caused the greenery to grow at an accelerated rate.

February 14

After Dante and Randal compose a letter of complaint regarding the burger screw up, a perfectly healthy Leonardo Leonardo enters the store. He celebrates by scarfing down a rancid burrito. Dante realizes the whole virus scare can be attributed to food poisoning and Randal's overactive imagination. Washington, however, isn't taking any chances and dispatches a bomber to Leonardo.

As the chief of police (who is dressed as Officer Big Mac) gives his speech, Dante and Randal board a helicopter in search of Jay, Silent Bob and the monkey. The copter swoops down and grabs the troublesome trio only to discover the bomber has already arrived. Acting on Baklava's suggestion, Dante tries to talk the pilot into aborting the mission. During the conversation, Randal jokingly comments Dante is gay. The bomber pilot is moved by this statement and declares he will disobey a direct order from his superiors if Dante will admit to being a 'mo. Faced with the destruction of the town, Dante lies and says he's gay. 

News of Dante's sexual persuasion spreads like wildfire making news on television ("Local Gay Boy') and in the local paper ('Local Gay Saves Town' also pictured is 'Way Hetero Friend). As the bomber returns to Washington, Baklava and his charges leave the town. 

Patrick Swayze leaves New Jersey to appear as an annoying neighbor in an upcoming Adam Sandler flick. 
  From Clerks TAS - Episode III. I'm not entirely sure of the daybreak here, but Baklava's dialogue when he returns is "Times up." This would seem to indicate 24 hours had passed.

March 13
Randal hires a bouncer for RST Video.

Evening  After Randal complains about renting to three whole customers, Dante challenges his fellow clerk to open the Quick Stop.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode IV.**

March 14
7:59AM A very smug Randal calls from Quick Stop.

8:00AM A very panicked Randal calls from Quick Stop.

Dante quickly arrives to save his friend and the duo cleans the store. As Randal misses throwing a soda can into a trash bag, Jay (and Silent Bob) enters the store and accidentally falls down. Randal convinces Jay to sue Dante and tries to convince a lawyer to take the case.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode IV.**

March 15
The lawyer bows down to peer pressure agrees to take the case.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode IV.

March 16
The honorable Judge Reinhold presides in Jay's case versus Dante and the Quick Stop. Despite objections from Dante, Randal is allowed to represent the defendant. 

Evening  Members of WBA try to replace the missing NBA players in the all-star game who were called for jury duty.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode IV.**

March 15
After being interviewed by the press, Dante and Randal visit Lando at the junkyard for advice on how to deal with an all-black jury. He suggests Randal try to relate to the jury.

10:00 AM After Randal insults the all-black jury with his opening comments, he calls Dante to the stand. 

Dante is followed by surprise witness book store clerk Nicole Corwin (who knows Randal from when he was kicked out of the mall book store). 

After the prosecution plays the 911 tapes, Randal proceeds to call a series of filmmakers and demand his eight bucks back for their film flops and then rests his case.

Evening  Dante receives mail at the Quick Stop about meeting an informant in Washington DC. Randal reluctantly agrees to go.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode IV.**

March 16
Randal travels to Washington, DC and meets with the mysterious X whose information proves to be worthless. Before leaving DC, he visits the Lincoln Memorial and buys a small model of the Washington Monument.

The jury is left to deliberations after Silent Bob is called to the stand, but refuses to speak.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode IV.**

March 17
11:00AM Dante awakens after having a nightmare about losing the case. He then heads to court.

Randal awakens after dreaming he wins the case and lands a $10 million dollar check. He enters the events into his dream journal and then heads to court.

Judge Reinhold is awoken by his wife after dreaming Axel Foley breaks into his courtroom in need of help putting bananas up tailpipes. He then heads to court.

Patrick Ewing awakens after dreaming about his crappy jump shot. He learns about getting $5 for breakfast and then heads to court.

The court reconvenes to hear the verdict, however, due to a shipping mistake with the script to this episode the actual ending to the trial is lost. Korean animators have a blast ending the episode in their own inimitable style.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode IV. The date on Randal's dream check was 3/17/00.

March 20
Evening Randal and Dante attend their high school reunion and encounter Leonardo Leonardo. It seems the reunion has been changed to cover the classes of '70, '80 (well... at least what's left of the Class of '80) and '90. 

Randal discovers all of his ex-girlfriends have become lesbians and a chance encounter with a secret admirer allows him to rediscover his favorite videogame from high school - Pharaoh.

LL (despondent by the fact he didn't win any awards) and Dante (despondent by the fact no one on the baseball team remembers him) get drunk and the pair spends an evening "talking" at Dante's house.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

March 21
Early Morning Leonardo discovers he has spent the night at Dante's home after intercepting a phone call from Dante's boss.

Morning LL (with Dante in tow) meets Randal (with Pharaoh game in tow) while traveling to the baseball field. Upon arriving, LL offers Dante a coaching position for a Little League team. Desiring a way to prove himself to the world, Dante accepts and meets his team of misfits -- The Escorts..

Afternoon Dante returns to the Quick Stop just as Randal gets 100,000,000 points and breaks his all-time score for Pharaoh. Randal's high score comes to the attention of secret government agents who 'escort' him out of the store. 

Dante begins a series of unsuccessful practice that occur during the course of the next week.
   From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

March 28
Afternoon Dante discovers The Escorts may in fact be the worst team ever as they continue their losing streak. 

Night  Randal arrives at the top secret headquarters of the government agency and meets a trio of geishas who have been ordered to service his every need. He unfortunately also learns his high score does NOT qualify him to pilot a starship but instead qualifies him for the backbreaking task of actually building a pyramid.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V and script notes.

March 29
Afternoon Dante discovers not only does Jay has an extremely good pitching arm, but also the 'lil scamp is still in fourth grade and therefore eligible to play on the team. 

Meanwhile, Randal is given the opportunity to take a "break".

Jay agrees to join the team and the Escorts win their first game The final score is Leonardo Escorts: 23, Diabetic Bears: 0. 
From Clerks TAS -  Episode V

March 30
Afternoon The Escorts win their second game. The final score is Leonardo Escorts: 42, Jewish Traveling All-Stars: -3.

Evening The Kid in the Helmet pulls a prank on Jay involving Dante.
 From Clerks TAS -  Episode V

March 31
Afternoon The Escorts win their third game and become tied for first place. The final score is Leonardo Escorts: 37, Handicapable Lady Lions: 0.

Evening The Kid in the Helmet pulls another prank on Jay involving Dante.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode V

April 1
Afternoon Randal crafts a rescue note using his own blood and a piece torn from one of Dante's shirts. He places the note into a bottle and hurls it into the ocean.

Evening Message go in the bottle, bottle goes into the water, message go in the water. Shark in the water, our shark! (Apologies to Quint)
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

April 2
Morning The message-in-the-bottle-in-the-shark is caught by a local fisherman.

Afternoon Fourteen miles outside Leonardo, the fisherman's car hits a bump in the road which causes the bottle to drop into a Drinki'n Baby Fine Liquor delivery truck in transit to the Leonardo Little League field.

14 minutes or so later The liquor truck arrives as The Escorts win the game that qualifies them to travel to the Little League World Series in Two Rivers, New Jersey. A tyke finds the bottle containing Randal's note, but throws it out per Dante's instructions.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V.

April 3
Dante and The Escorts arrive in Toms River and discover the town's children were kidnapped by the Thuggee Cult months ago. Determined to be a hero, Dante mounts a rescue mission to the secret hideout and accidently locates Randal in the process. 

As Dante and the kids fight to free the captured kids, Randal returns to his geishas and discovers they too have become lesbians. Jay's curiosity actually works to his benefit and allows him to discover the switch to the Thuggee Cult Secret Hideout's self destruct mechanism. The day is saved, but far from over. Dante brought his team to Toms River for a baseball game and by God that's what he's gonna get! The months of torture has sadly taken its toll on their Tom Rivers' team and forces them to forfeit.

Dante's team wins the Little League World Series by default, but sadly he is cropped out of the championship photo.
  From Clerks TAS - Episode V. I realize all these games take place during school days, so the games must've taken place after school has let out.

June 12
Judge Reinhold made manager of Quick Stop. 
  From Clerks TAS - Episode IV.**

July 21
Dante and Randal leave New Jersey and fly out to San Diego for their appearance at Fanta-Comi-Con-Fest-Con.
  Implied from Clerks TAS - Episode VI.

July 22
12:00 A Fanta-Comi-Con-Fest-Con panel discussion on Clerks begins.

12:10 Dante and Randal arrive and are horrified to discover about not are only 5 people there, but also everyone thinks they are gay. Following the panel, they leave California and fly back to New Jersey.
  From Clerks TAS -  Episode VI. Ok.. a bit of stretch here! Since the con in question is an obvious nod to the San Diego Comicon, I chose the date and time of Kevin Smith's panel discussion that year.  :)

July 23
Morning Dante receives a call from his boss telling him to come into work, however a strange outside influence places him in events from The Matrix. He arrives at work and discovers Randal is already there .. hard at work on a case against Highlights For Children.

12 hours later As Dante closes up Quick Stop to get ready for his date with Caitlin Bree, Jay and Silent Bob rush into the store and reveal a fair has set up outside. Since it's right across the street, Dante and Randal decide to check it out. 

Unfortunately, a telephone call from the boss hampers their plans. They are to keep Quick Stop open to cash in on potential business from fair customers. It is during this phone call that a strange outside influence interrupts with a message from Morpheus-esque voice.

As Jay and Silent Bob enjoy the 'sucky fair', carnival workers enter the store in search of glue, thumbtacks and black tar heroin. The carnies resort to using rubber bands for repairs after learning Quick Stop doesn't carry any of those items.

Dante tries to call Caitlin so she will not think he has stood her up, but he somehow is connected to the Morpheus-esque figure who has been plaguing him all day. Little does he know that Caitlin is already at the fair and making out with Dan Whiffler. 

Dante decides to pop across the street to locate Caitlin, but is prevented from leaving by customers Steve-Dave and Walt. It seems the sleepover-prone duo is in search of costume components they need to win Alan Thicke's First Annual Costume Contest. Steve-Dave and Walt exist as Jay and Silent Bob enter yet again to tell Dante about Caitlin's activities.

Jay and Silent Bob return to the fair and evidently release all the gorillas from their cages. This act has to effect on Caitlin's sex life. Dante and Randal's attempt to witness the carnage is ruined by the appearance of two pinheads.

Leonardo Leonard and Plug soon enter and propose a soccer match against a cannibalistic Brazilian soccer with $1 million as the stakes. The game is forfeited however after a soccer ball is sent flying through the front door.

As Dante cleans up the mess left over from soccer game, the Morpheus-esque figure calls back. Randal decides to crank call the phone stalker by using *69, however a strange outside force connects him to President Clinton aboard Air Force One. 

As the FBI plots a raid against the Quick Stop, Caitlin grabs a bullhorn and announces she is marrying someone she just met. She also wants Dante to help her with select a wedding dress.

As events right outside their window grow even more bizarre with each passing second, Dante and Randal decide to stay behind the counter (Hey, I could go on listing everything that happens, but I feel your attention span waning... - BippiBoy) however news of Dante's car being keyed coaxes them outside. 

An outside influence grabs Dante and Randal and pulls them into a Matrix-esque reality where they encounter turkey jerky, a gay dance club, Hell, Caddyshack III, the show's writers, a gay-version of Gilligan's Island, a gay version of Josie and the Pussycats and ultimately a three-hour airing of Who Wants To Be a Millionaire.

As the camera pans back, we see Jay and Silent Bob are the ones behind the strange outside influence that has plagued Dante and Randal for most of the day.
    From Clerks TAS - Episode VI. Some (or in fact ALL) of the events in this episode may not have actually happened. I am working under the assumption the Matrix-inspired sequences were in fact somehow controlled by the two 'animators'. Otherwise, something like the events described in this sketch (which ironically enough happens on a street named  'HARLEY') will happen if I think about it for much longer.

The Future

Dante and Randal film are catapulted into stardom after starring in a low-budget, B&W movie based on their lives at the Quick Stop and RST Video.
  From the forthcoming animated feature Clerks Sell Out.

One day an elderly Jay will write about the summer of 2000 before taking his granddaughter out for ice cream. He writes that Dante is married, Randal ends up owning the video store, a friend named Skeeter is killed in Vietnam despite the fact the war was over during the 1960s and Silent Bob becomes Senator Robert Blutarsky. One has to wonder if the elderly Jay might've partied too much in his youth!
  From Clerks TAS - Episode II **